Wherein Our Heroes are joined by Brendan, Wielder of The Whistle of Never-Ending Substitutions, to discuss prognostications and predictions for Groups A, B, and C. We think France could be magnifique in front of their home supporters, wonder if Wayne Rooney will spell doom for England’s attacking three, and feel Thomas Müller is a candidate for das Golden Boot. The new tournament format is titillating, Wales may surprise, and the Swiss likely won’t miss. Also, Mario Gómez and his slick locks may just prove decisive for Germany.
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Wherein Our Heroes recount the glorious experience that is a Calgary Foothills FC home opener, shout-out to some fellow Canadian football lovers and podcasters, and delve into a bottomless pit of segments. Jérôme Boateng can be our neighbour any day, 7-year-old Ewen makes a bid for the vacant Inverness Caledonian Thistle manager job, and Jose Mourinho takes the helm at Manchester United. We’re in agreement that defense and underperforming starlets are the cause of Chelsea’s downfall and feel sorry for Juanfran after a pulsating Champions League Final. Also, the party’s over for Jamie Vardy’s lookalike.
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Wherein Our Heroes are joined by the Grand Duke, Supreme High Chancellor, and Protector of the Realm of Gafferonia himself, Brendan. We review a pulsating FA Cup Final, including rave reviews for Jesse Lingard’s thatch and Alan Pardew’s hip gyrations, get serious and chat about the verdict in the recent Hillsborough inquiry, and encourage Canada Soccer to make sure the upper bowl at BC Place is open and raucous in September. Also, Brendan faces the greatest test in all of podcasting, “The Lighting Round”.
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Wherein Our Heroes dissect CD Palencia’s anatomy kit, award Tesco gift cards to the pyromaniacs at Eskişehirspor, and pay respects to two Premier League sackings. Southampton sneaks into the Europa League, Kei Kamara gets traded after all is said and done, and Vancouver vanquishes Toronto in an MLS barn burner. Also, the Ginger Giant (Alexi Lalas) embellishes the year-old soccer rivalry on both sides of the Hudson.
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Wherein Our Heroes lament Joe Cole’s move from Coventry City to Tampa Bay, share our favourite Elton John tunes, and dole out the first on-pitch Joey Barton Award to Romeo Parkes. Jamie Vardy throws the mother of all parties and sits through a 7-hour tattoo session. Will Frank Lampard ever play again in MLS? Was Columbus right to suspend Kei Kamara? Also, BMO Field gets a sexy makeover in “Let’s Talk Aboot It” and the final match at Upton Park is one of legend.
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Wherein Our Heroes celebrate the unlikely, yet wholly deserved Premier League Champions, Leicester City F.C. Aston Villa supporter, Tom Hanks, may (or may not) have won himself $730,000 USD, the international media bungle the greatest Cinderella story in the history of sport, and controversial officiating is a storyline at The Theatre of Dreams. Spurs channel “The Crazy Gang”, and Leicester’s habitual starting XI are worth less than Pedro, Hazard, and Raheem Sterling’s legs. Also, internet promises made must be kept. Good luck in Bratislava, @Mark0_dcfc
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Wherein Our Heroes dissect recent comments by wonder-scout Piet de Visser and his assessment of José Mourinho’s man management, Alan Pardew unveils the subject of his FA Cup motivational tactics - namely him, and Infantino promises FIFA will ensure Qatar’s employment standards are on the up-and-up. Meanwhile, Sakho faces a potentially lengthy ban and Benitez leads the Magpies to their first points away from St. James’. Also, Montreal can’t handle The Atomic Ant in Drogba’s first start of the season. We’re not nobbling!
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Wherein Our Heroes get behind the need for more friendlies at home in The Great White North. Lescott and Agbonlahor don’t do themselves any favours post-relegation, and the Portland Timbers hire an Ivy League student to help build a champion, Moneyball-style. Jack Wilshere makes the podcast again, for dubious reasons. Controversy ensues in both Orlando and Leicester as questionable officiating results in 2-2 draws. Also, Jamie Vardy may have a future on the Great Britain Diving Team while Andy Carroll’s shoulder can seemingly move mountains.
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Wherein Our Heroes flog the dead mule that is MLS officiating, question Louis van Gaal’s personnel choices versus Spurs, and sing Andy Carroll’s praises. Also, we dust off the Wheel o’ Segments...wherever will it land? Gary Lineker is made to write lines for his blind love, Patrick Vieira serves up some humble pie, and Michael Michael gets a nod for service above and beyond the call of esthetics.
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Wherein Our Heroes swim in a deluge of topics, including Ronaldo’s “tighty whities” in Real Madrid’s post-Classico team photo, Erin McLeod’s recent injury misfortune, and Remi Garde’s demise at Aston Villa. Bad MLS Comics aren’t really all that bad but our first female Joey Barton winner’s recent behaviour is (sorry Abby Wambach). We debate Antonio Conte’s recent appointment as Chelsea manager and the etiquette of good sportsmanship on the pitch. Also, we are Cabo!
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Wherein Our Heroes pay respects to late Barcelona and Ajax legend, modern philosopher, proponent of Total Football, ‘Haircut of The Century’ holder, Polydor recording artist, and third footballer to have an asteroid named after him - Johan Cruyff. When not trolling Yaya and Balotelli, Cabinteely F.C. attempt to vanquish Glastonbury headliners, Muse, in an upcoming friendly. Canada struggles against Mexico in front of a record crowd, England come back to beat Germany in Berlin, and two Aston Villa players take an ill-timed holiday. Also, Raheem Sterling can’t find any takers for his Franken-mansion.
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Wherein Our Heroes get stoked on the Canada men’s national soccer team roster, praise Gigi Buffon for over 15 hours without conceding a goal, and reminisce about mid-90’s UK soft rock. Derby matches abound as Rashford continues his torrid pace, a Newcastle fan botches the hug of his life, and Vancouver takes the first Cascadia match of the season. Also, Jurgen panders, Shuttleworth’s mane stops penalties for New England, and we are not having Mix Diskerud as the most overrated player in MLS.
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Wherein Our Heroes break bread over Newcastle’s act of faith with Benitez, Canada’s Algarve Cup win, and the talismanic difference at Leicester. Hazard’s shirt swap draws ire as two of England’s most high-and-mighty go crashing out of the FA Cup. Will Arsene Wenger be made to don sackcloth and ashes for Arsenal’s recent run of form? Canada’s MLS matches are reviewed and Haircut of The Week is resurrected with a celebration of Dom Dwyer’s locks (Jason gives the devil his ‘do’). Also, nowhere in creation could we have predicted the result in The Battle of Texas.
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Wherein Our Heroes are joined by MLS wizard and Calgarian-by-way-of-DC, Adrian. We make public our predictions on many MLS-related topics. We prognosticate DC United and LA Galaxy will not make the playoffs, Toronto’s backline will be much improved, Orlando City SC will fare better than their inaugural season, and the league should expand to Miami - pronto. Will Larin, Villa, or Giovinco (or none of the above) win The Golden Boot this season? Will FC Dallas capture The Supporters’ Shield? All this and more, in an MLS preview that’s as good going down as our Last Best beer!
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Wherein Our Heroes offer twice the righteousness in several cases: Steven Gerrard gets a biopic and joins the Telegraph, Caballero and Rashford garner fanfare for their coifs (or lack thereof), and Neapolitan robbers and El Hadji Diouf etch their names in the annals of unsavoury eternity. Van Gaal takes a dive as Manchester United beat Arsenal, Wenger makes excuses, and the Capital One Cup Final is an electrifying affair. Also, why are so many goalkeepers both American and bald?
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Wherein Our Heroes rev up their engines and award a rare Joey Barton treble, Manuel Pellegrini fields a bunch of debutantes, and Chelsea shoves it into overdrive. Also, the Canadian women qualify for Rio 2016, Herculez Gomez thinks MLS clubs are like ‘metal under tension’ against Liga MX in the CONCACAF Champions League, and Maverick requests a fly-by.
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Wherein Our Heroes claim their place as 50 percent more influential than all other podcasts for the next thousand years. Columbus deals with mean tweets after unveiling their new kit, Massimo Cellino enters the annals of Joey Barton glory, and we are both havin’ recent goings-on with two Canadian MLS clubs. Also, Spurs and Arsenal score decisive victories and the two Manchester clubs fall further off the pace. Hah!
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Wherein Our Heroes drop science on y’all, the Chinese Super League rings in the “Year of the Monkey” with a bang, the Jermaine Pennant and Jamie Vardy biopics gain traction, and John McGrane rrrolls up the rim on the Canadian Premier Soccer League. Also, we toast Marcel De Jong’s man bun, Canada and the USA get friendly and experimental, and Liverpool supporters stage a walk out amidst an exciting weekend in the Premier League.
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Wherein Our Heroes gorge on Russian Pelmeni in the company of contest-winner and all-around great guy, Lev. Adebayor and Pato are among several notable transfers discussed, we are sort of havin’ public funding for new stadia, and we debate the impact of potential transfer bans at Real and Atlético Madrid. Also, in case we are ever called upon, we pledge national allegiances. Na zdoróvye!
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Wherein Our Heroes review the Canadian National Team rosters ahead of February’s big fixtures, Jordan Morris chooses Starbucks over Beck’s, and Football Leaks walks the line between transparency and “blackmail” (according to Doyen). Costa rankles Arsenal, Norwich and Liverpool forget how to defend, and Aguero sets a milestone. Also, our Joey Barton winner is pure Gold.
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Wherein Our Heroes sit down for a chat with Vancouver Whitecaps goalkeeper Marco Carducci, are confused by Bruce Arena, and might be havin’ Ashley Cole’s move to LA Galaxy. Also, the three Canadian MLS clubs complete some important off-season signings. More Premier League next week!
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Wherein Our Heroes bask in the glory of football’s Awards Season. Lionel Messi’s dark brown hair makes him a shoo-in for the Ballon d’Or and Aubameyang’s coif nets him the CAF Player of the Year. Also, Balotelli plays “Piss in Boots”, Liverpool emulates Taylor Swift, and Brad Guzan and Joleon Lescott get chewed out by Aston Villa supporters. Manchester United finally show some impetus to the relief of Paul Scholes.
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Wherein Our Heroes roll up their sleeves, pull on their raw Japanese selvedge denim, straighten their bow ties, and debate the efficacy of the Trequartista. Zlatan drops knowledge bombs, Adidas gets all snarky about Manchester United’s style, and we name the definitive “Hipster Starting XI”. Also, Benitez gets sacked, Vardy puts his name in lights, and poor Seamus drinks his own urine – we hear it tastes just like PBR. Oh, and we review some organic, fair-trade, artisanal matches.
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Wherein Our Heroes get verklempt over coffee talk. Manchester United and Chelsea...no big whoop. Arsenal have a mixed Holiday Season. Francesco Becchetti dupes...who knew? There are many haircuts to discuss amongst yourselves. Also, Per Mertesacker wipes his shpilkis on an unsuspecting admirer's genechtagazoink.
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Wherein Our Heroes imbibe liberally and spread tidings of joy and happiness. Stevie G suffers a lacerated Yule Log, a former England international is on the Naughty List, and Pogba proves a little dab will do him. A Christmas Classic is given the Gaffers treatment, and two very special guests cover a Yuletide staple. Happy Holidays!
Send us your questions or comments via e-mail at bothofus@theyounggaffers.com, @younggaffers on Twitter, and www.facebook.com/theyounggaffers